I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm at about main and main street
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
