Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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