i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish you could order shots online.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
