i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
