dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
