I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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