wat bout pragnant strippers??
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
