I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
