Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
