what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
