I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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