I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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