May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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