Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
