highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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