I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
