there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
