I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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