I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
