There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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