Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize