Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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