Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
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