I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
