I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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