talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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