easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
