Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I had to cum in my sink.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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