Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
