I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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