there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
