I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
