I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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