I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
this is an emotional support booty call
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize