Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
