we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize