i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
