Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
