The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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