hotel room ftw
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
