My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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