I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
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