He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
