DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
