i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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