Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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