I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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