I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
