What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
