I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
