Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
