Have you finally orgasmed yet?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
