the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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