When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
