oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize