You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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