my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
