im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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