he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
