I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize