i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
