I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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