hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
