i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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