the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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